Dating is a nightmare. Online dating is the same nightmare, but on amphetamines.  I have far too much experience in the world of online dating. I started meeting girls in AOL chat rooms when I was 16.  I always considered myself shy, and the ability to put a medium in between us, and let me be creative, made it pretty easy for me to meet strange, random girls from all over the world.  It is a conundrum, if I didn’t have that medium to use, I would have to crawl out of my skin, and introduce myself to women. Which, we all know the 2 rules of flirting, so my odds are stacked against me. Shows that 80% of men are unattractive, so when I meet a cute, older lady, and she flatters me by saying I was the most attractive person at the comedy club, I assumed I was a shoe in for something I have been lacking in my life, intimacy.  It has been far too long since I have woken up next to a woman, and it was longer than that before I happily woke up next to one.

Instead, we sat in my car and talked. I realized her strategy was to do the opposite of what guys used to do in the bars: she decided to wear me down.  More specifically, wear herself down so she became so exhausted that the door had closed on the invitation. Being starved of casual daily conversation, I honestly enjoyed the conversation over a sloppy-drunk one night stand.  But a starving man only needs food. I went home, she came back at me with how she wants to take things slow. Which is odd, because she is 40. Time is not on her side as it is with mine. It’s the only thing I like about being a guy, I’m gonna look like this for the next 20 years, if I can make it.  She will have changed 4 times over her lifespan, with a general melting that happens to all of us, getting deeper and we just watch as gravity wins.

I didn’t know what to expect. I matched with a lovely woman this morning who also, seemed to have a penis, so I have no expectations any longer as to what may come.  Maybe Nikki has a penis, and she really wanted to connect with me emotionally before she whipped it out. She is divorced with a child, and she is unsure what the next step in finding a filling to the hole left by not having a father or a husband.  

And then, Nikki strings me along to see her another time.  Then she flakes. Then she pushes me away, then we have an awkward argument because she told me that there was a guy that pushed her away because he wanted to have an open relationship.

This is the conundrum I have found myself in my entire life trying to retain an open relationship, I have yet to meet a woman who truly feels like they want to be with multiple men, even women I have known that were swingers still carried jealousy, and preferred monogamy. At best, I have met women who can compartmentalize sex into sport, but I always think there is a monogamous pull from women. I don’t have the jealous gene, and I understand my limitations. For one. I don’t know if I could ever be truly happy with the idea that next naked woman I hold will be the last naked woman I hold.  Nikki didn’t care. Her strategy was to keep me close, and see how far she could take me. Little did she know, I’m not broken (in the horse sense, as a human, I’m very broken), and this bronco was gonna buc out if the relationship doesn’t fulfill my needs. I am using relationship in the sense of an interpersonal relationship.

She was a sweet girl, which made her even more conniving.  Through her soft demeanor, and petite frame, she quickly shifted idea into whichever direction, instead of addressing a topic she didn’t feel comfortable with.  Welcome to the South! Where all of the single women have kids, and “Oh, Honey” is not a compliment. Nikki had to be sly, or from her perception, she needed to be keen to stave all of the dick thrown her way.  To her unbeknownst dismay, Nikki was, like me, on the wrongs side of 30, and starting to lose that luster. I don’t care what you say, a 40 year old car has a lot of old parts. The dick she is being offered isn’t the same quality, and I can only assume it isn’t the highest quantity, as I am learning through experience that even finding a stable person in their 30s is difficult.

What we have here is an attractive man who lives in suburbia, interacts with few humans, only through geography, and woman who was once extremely attractive, comparing our Bumble experience.  She could not believe that I got as few matches as I had, “I have only had one other conversations since yours, 3 weeks ago” I explained to her that the game is completely stacked against us, and not only are women only fucking the top 20% of guys, that these women are aggressively going after these guys.

It is true feminism equaling out the pain, so more men can get angry, and more women can be afraid. A vicious cycle if you will.  I don’t even get matches anymore on tinder, I think it died when the rolled out the premium, and the women weren’t feeling like they won the lottery every time she got a match.  It has become common knowledge that the best chance of success for a guy is to swipe right on everything, and clean the mess up later. For women, that means that she has complete, and utter control of the courting process.  

Except who are those 20% of guys?  I have heard women complain that, “all the guys on tinder are married” which is hilariously false. Just take the marriage rates.  They are in decline, so guys aren’t even getting married anymore, not as much as they one had. But what some half-wit on the internet said did make me think that she may be on to something.  If women generally are going to be dating the top 20% of guys, they will want to marry a portion of them. By doing so does not eliminate them from the total pool of available dick. So, she may be correct, a larger proportion of married men would statistically be in the 20% of daters versus the 80% of loners.

As I am talking to Nikki, I realize she doesn’t trust what I was saying.  I tried to tell her I was interested in intimacy, but she managed to bob and weave as if she had golden gloves.  It wasn’t the No that disturbed me, it was that a 40 year old woman would be holding out sex for multiple dates.  Not 2, not even 4. She wanted to wait 2 months! My only logical conclusion was wither she was a-sexual, nothing wrong with it, it’s perfectly natural, or she had the dick of the guy she “broke up with” and she wanted to test my resilience.

I snapped like a 30 year old rubber band.  I told her that I would rather nip it in the bud, and just be friends.  Nobody likes rejection. But, she came back at me romantically, and commented on how she missed kissing me.  This woman is a sharp. I didn’t want to pass up the possibility of having an unrestricted time, but after the 3rd time of seeing her, I realized that we were not compatible.  

Nikki invited me over, we had made out like fucking 12 year olds the first night she invited me over.  Not horny 12 year olds, the pre-pubescent 12 year old that carries no emotion in it, and is afraid to take the next step on the way up the ladder toward sex.  It didn’t even get past a kiss and a hug. Why? Why waste your time? You have all the power and control, and do you expect a man to make any sort of aggressive move with the current socio-political climate?  She had a gun sitting on her countertop opposite the front door. I ain’t telling this woman to do anything.

So here we are, writing about a woman instead of laying with one.  I could have manipulated, lied, and cheated my way into her, but it’s not worth it. I always maintained that a woman with a child has 2 gears, high or low.  Either you become a stepfather before meeting the kid, or you are just a fucktoy. Being a fucktoy is worth it to me, but Nikki wasn’t. Besides, I have far too many thoughts in my head to compartmentalize lies.  I’m not good at lying, cheating, or manipulating, but this was an interesting story. A woman who was off the market for 15 years, comes back and thinks that her value is the same. I have heard other arenas where this is common, but I can’t put my finger on it.

When she told me that she just wanted to wait, but would allow me to kiss her, but not even allow any petting, made me feel like I was in high school again. I love aggressive girls that ask for what they want, and was lucky to find quite a few along the way.  A woman with a gun on her counter playing coy is not going to go the way she may have hoped. I have been with enough women in their late 30s to know this was an odd bird.

The part that I had trouble wrapping my head around was how complementary she was, not just flattery, genuine sweet words were spoken about me.  So when we got on the topic of what each other wanted out of a relationship, we ventured into the area of which I have a sharp tongue, divorce. Divorce is a product of an inability for 2 parties to compromise for the sake of the child. In this case, Nikki had 2. When the idea of compromise turned to what I had confided in her previously, I put her feet to the fire, “If you don’t believe in compromise, then I think I will just see my way to the door” I said, trying to be tactful while also expecting never to see this woman again.  I have had so many people enter and exit my life that it is no longer shocking, but it hurts the same, to lose a friend.

Whether she even understood how she affected my wellbeing or not, I’ll never know.  Nikki made a joke, “You are acting like you are sexually deprived!” and I shrugged, and didn’t see how addressing this put me in any advantageous position.  So we discussed our Bumble matches, or lack thereof, and she proceeded to tell me about a client (apparently not only are all women in Dallas mothers, they all seem to be hairdressers) who is just swimming in matches. And continues to explain that women are trying to marry him all the time.

Are women really this naive to what dating looks like as a man?  This guy owns his own business, and whores are flocking to him like migratory birds.  I’m not looking for that, love and money don’t mix; Oil and water. And even this successful businessman, who she said was every sort objectively unattractive: short, bald, pudgy, was likely working very hard for each match, where Nikki was just casually swiping left on every guy, and being extremely judgemental. I feel she gave herself a pass to insult these men because of how attractive she described me, It was vain and shallow, and as a 40 year old woman, I would expect better communication.  I had already tried to talk her into a platonic relationship, but she dodged, weaved, and avoided the topic again, because everyone hates rejection.

I will leave this story with a description of what a typical tinder/bumble session looks like for me.  Open app, swipe on every woman that is remotely within my attractiveness parameters, get 0 matches, switch apps, do the same, maybe get one or 2 matches, and then peruse through that person’s profile. If I find her interesting, I send a message related to anything that piqued my interest.  I get no response. Then I have to unmatch the ungodly creatures that, god bless their heart, think I might be interested in them. I commend these ladies, they are male equivalent of the 80%, except these women are the bottom 10%, but even those have a better chance than I do in navigating this exceptionally grueling landscape.  Good luck ladies, it’s a tough road having to learn rejection. The Patriarchy blessed us men with the responsibility of initiating conversation, initiating contact, and now we have no responsibilities, and no one is leading the ship. After, I try to flirt with the one match I had from an entire week of searching, the woman will send a series of one word responses to my open-ended questions, trying to build rapport.  This is assuming the hurdle of even initiating a conversation, that is at best 10% of the matches. So 90% of these women are winking at you across the bar, and 10% are following through. Because when we did this in bars, the man initiated the conversation, she accepts, then he initiates contact, she accepts, then you have a miserable marriage, a life you can’t afford and you just wish you could resolve the conundrum that, “Women are the cause, and solution of all men’s problems.”

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